Julia Ries
Basulto’s advice: Schedule time to sit down and talk. Prior to your little meeting, jot down (or at least think about) the points you want to hit on—like the fact that you’re worried about your partner’s excessive spending and how it impacts your long-term financial goals. Mapping out what you want to convey ahead of time will help you communicate clearly about how you’ve been feeling so you don’t wind up rambling or forgetting what you wanted to say.
Use “I” statements—so go with something like, “I know you like to spend your money on concerts, but I’m scared that’s going to hurt our ability to get a bigger apartment,” and avoid “you” statements, such as “You spend way too much money on concerts,” which put the blame on your partner and will likely make them defensive. Let them respond without interrupting and be willing to hear them out and see where they’re coming from.
Figure out how they express their love and appreciation for you
Basulto frequently sees couples butt heads because they aren’t speaking the same “love language.” This term comes from a popular book authored by marriage counsellor Gary Chapman, PhD—The 5 Love Languages—and refers to the ways people prefer to express and receive love. Not every expert subscribes to this exact framework, but the takeaway is this: If you don’t see how your partner shows their affection for you, “you’re not going to communicate well and you’ll get easily annoyed with each other,” according to Basulto.
For example, your partner shows they care by walking the dog or cooking dinner, but what you need to feel loved is for them to make a point to cuddle more or hang out one-on-one at night. You might assume they’re merely doing a bunch of household chores when, really, they’re trying to be a good partner—they just have a different way of showing their feelings than what you want or expect from them.
Learning how your significant other shows up in the relationship, even if it’s not exactly what your idea of loving someone looks like, may help you feel more appreciated and eliminate some of the resentment you’re harbouring. Plus understanding how they express love can help you find new ways to connect, potentially rekindling that spark that united you in the first place, Basulto adds. You can get a better idea of how each of you shows affection by taking this online quiz from Dr Chapman—or by simply asking your partner what makes them feel loved and vice versa.
Know when to ask for professional help
If you’ve exhausted the above tips and your significant other still drives you up a wall or you constantly fight with your partner, consider working with a couples therapist. In the wise words of Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock, it takes two to make a thing go right, and working through the relationship turbulence can be a long and complicated process. “A professional therapist can help you navigate the conversation and prevent further damage from occurring due to miscommunication or misunderstanding of what the real issues are,” Basulto says.