Julia Ries
For example, if you have a family gathering that you can’t get out of, whip up specific conversation starters that’ll reduce the odds your relatives will make you want to scream into a towel when you take a bathroom break (not me). Dr. Smalls-Mantey recommends asking “softball” questions—such as whether they saw that bizarre new true-crime documentary, if they’ve read any good books recently, or their take on the NFL-Taylor Swift merger (something everyone has an opinion on).
In other words, choose topics that won’t grind your gears—and ones you might actually be interested in. That way, instead of avoiding your loved ones completely, you can spend some quality time with them (on your own terms) before you head out, says Dr. Smalls-Mantey.
An alternative option: Find a way to help out so you don’t have to partake in awful small talk. Back at the family get-together, if you don’t have it in you to endure an in-depth convo with your aunt about her career, go help out the host. That way, you don’t have to engage with too many people, but you can distract yourself with specific tasks—like, say, cleaning up or serving food—instead of mingling, says Dr. Smalls-Mantey.
Try some deep breathing exercises
Dr. McDonagh says that irritability, in general, is a result of shifting into fight-or-flight mode—the stress response that occurs when your body perceives some sort of danger or threat. As a result, he says, certain hormones, like cortisol and adrenaline, flood your system, and that can temporarily make you tense.
To cope, he suggests taking some deep breaths. If you’re rolling your eyes, fair, but research shows that deep breathing exercises can dramatically reduce your cortisol levels, which = less stress = less crankiness = better relationships.
Dr. McDonagh specifically recommends a method some experts call the “physiological sigh”—take two short inhales, followed by one long exhale, then repeat this breathing pattern three to five times. Do this throughout the day (as often as you need) and, eventually, you’ll automatically practise deep breathing whenever you feel irked, he says. “This helps flip your nervous system from the agitated fight-or-flight response to the calming rest-and-digest response,” he adds.
Slow down and rest
That’s it, that’s the tip. Sleepiness is one of the top reasons people get cranky with others, studies show. “If you’re tired or exhausted, you have to stop and rest,” Dr. Smalls-Mantey says.