Shruti Sonal
A child is sexually abused every 15 minutes in India, according to the latest data from National Crime Records Bureau. The only way to prevent such crimes is to teach kids to protect themselves. But most parents struggle to even mention the words ‘sexual abuse’ in front of their kids, let alone discuss it. Sushant Kalra, a
Reading about incidents of sexual abuse in the news always leaves me ill at ease for, I have also experienced the ignominy of ‘bad touch’ in my life. All kinds of questions haunted me later. Is this normal? Is this right or wrong? Is it ok to talk to your parents, siblings, teachers about this? Am I a bad boy? Am I weak? What could I have done to prevent it? The incident affected my relationships and instilled a fear of authority in me.
Sushant Kalra, a parenting expert who has been creating awareness about sexual abuse prevention
When I became a parent, I was sure that I did not want my child to go through the same experience.But how could I protect my child if I am not there with him 24×7? An analysis of crime records shows that 90% of child abuse is committed by a known person. But how can anyone be sure of the people around them? Who will protect my child in this case? Despite schools taking up these sessions, there seems to be no respite in the increasing numbers of sexual abuse cases involving children. Almost 85% of people we met in our parenting programmes admitted having experienced ‘bad touch’ in their life.
The process of empowering kids starts with creating a safe space so that they can talk about their bodies, ask queries, and raise questions about the shared knowledge. The first distinction to be made is that this is not a talk about ‘good touch’ or ‘bad touch’. A touch/ caress on the private parts can feel good, stimulating, titillating — it may not feel bad and a child may not perceive it as bad. This conversation is about safe and unsafe touch, whether it feels bad or not.
One dilemma that parents have is — what is the right age to talk to the child? If your child is two or three years old, they may not have the vocabulary to have this conversation, but it cannot be delayed beyond this age group. Even if your child is a teen, muster up the courage and talk to them today. Children above 10 or 11 years may have had exposure to conversations around sexuality and may feel awkward. Please don’t let that stop you, tell them that this is embarrassing for you too but it’s critical that you and the child talk.
The easiest way to start the conversation is to talk about various touches — what kind of touch makes them feel good, appreciated or wanted, and move into what kind of touches make them feel bad or uncomfortable. Share your own thoughts, ask your spouse to do the same and have an open conversation as a family. Remember each and every conversation will go differently as each child will respond differently. So, don’t judge yourself or your child.
I had this conversation with my son Aman when he was nine (I didn’t know how to speak to him till then) and with my daughter Vaanya when she was 2.5 years. The talks started with child sexual abuse and how they can protect themselves and carried on into the world of sexuality and how babies are made.
Considering I am a parent coach who has mentored lakhs of parents across the globe, you may think this would have been a cakewalk for me. Absolutely not, I was as nervous and anxious as any of you may be, but I was clear that I would not let my inhibitions or embarrassment come in the way of my child’s right to know about their bodies and build the skill to protect themselves. It’s my duty to do that as a father.
If you are worried that having this conversation can make your child scared and they may associate every stranger with danger, remember that this completely depends on how you are having these conversations with your child. Don’t we teach our kids to use a knife in the kitchen? It can be dangerous, yet anyone can acquire the skills to handle it responsibly. This too is a conversation that needs to be done to build the skill to protect themselves and not to warn or scare them of people. Your demeanour, tone and your belief are key.
A critical rule to establish is that they have to speak to you if anything happens — there are no secrets between parents and children!
Kalra, founder of Parwarish Institute of Parenting, spoke to Neha Bhayana