Julia Ries
Like a lot of people, I have a complicated relationship with social media. On one hand, I love that it allows me to stay in touch with old friends, forge new connections, and learn more about practically any and every topic I could ever be curious about. But if I’m not careful and intentional about when and how I spend my time on social media, I wind up scrolling for hours, incessantly comparing myself to other people and their lives, careers and accomplishments. It makes me question where I’m at in life, and, even though I’m very aware that measuring myself by my feed is a net-negative exercise, I still do it.
Social comparison has existed for as long as humans have. It gives us a way to gauge how we’re doing relative to other people and make sense of our own (and others’) abilities, social standing and performance. In that sense, comparing ourselves to our fellow humans can be beneficial, to a degree, and may help us navigate the world more smoothly, says Ethan Kross, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan and author of Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It. Someone else’s loving relationship may inspire you to seek out your own, or maybe your entrepreneur friend has motivated you to pursue your passion.
However, social media has taken this very human, primitive thing and intensified it. People tend to post about their successes rather than their failures, and it can seem like everyone is killing it at work and in their relationships. Since our phones are practically attached to our hands, we’re also able to get a glimpse at other people’s lives 24/7—meaning we have way more opportunities to check in and compare (and feel inadequate) than we did pre-Instagram. “When we tune in to social media and we look at the glorified posts of others, that can make us feel upset or envious and lead our positive mood to diminish,” Dr Kross says.
It’s really easy and natural to get tangled in a trap of self-comparison that makes you feel bad about yourself. But it’s also possible to break the cycle and go easier on yourself when navigating through the minefield that is social media. Here’s how to stop comparing yourself to others online, according to the experts I spoke with:
1. Remind yourself that social media isn’t always accurate
If your friends’ (or celebrities’ or influencers’) posts tend to make you feel inadequate or envious, remember that they’re showing a sliver of their lives. Social media is heavily curated—it’s a “snippet of a moment, not the fully fleshed out reality,” says Janelle S. Peifer, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and assistant professor at the University of Richmond who researches identity and intercultural competence. These picture-perfect posts can make it appear as though people are doing better than you, and this constant upward social comparison (when you measure yourself against people you perceive as superior) can take a massive toll on your self-esteem.