Anna Borges
By the way, you don’t have to square all of this away at the top of the conversation. Checking in as it comes up works, too, and can feel more natural. Think: “Oof, that reminds me of my last boss—would it help to hear how I dealt with it?” or “Dang, that sounds frustrating. Are you looking for advice here or nah?”
2. Mirror their words back to them
You might have heard this strategy referred to as “reflective listening,” a big part of active listening. “It involves gleaning information from what the other person is saying and putting it back out there in bite-size pieces,” Kelaher explains. The main goal—beyond staying engaged—is to make sure you’re understanding them correctly so you can show up the way they need, whether that’s offering appropriate advice or validating what they’re feeling.
Kelaher suggests phrases like, “If I’m hearing you correctly…” and “If I’m getting this right….” For example, “So if I’m understanding, this promotion has been way more stressful than you anticipated?” Then, once you summarise and ensure you’re on the same page, you can add some validation too. “Ugh, it’s so tough when something you were pumped about turns out differently than you expected.”
On the other hand, don’t fake it if you’re not sure what’s at the crux of what they’re telling you. Instead, ask for clarification. As for how…
3. Ask simple, open-ended questions
You may feel the need to ask really insightful or detailed follow-up questions, whether to prove you’ve been listening or flex your prowess as a conversational partner. But actually, some of the most effective things you can say as a listener are pretty simple. “Maintaining a sense of curiosity is key,” Kelaher says. It can help you zero in on what’s important to the other person—and keep you from jumping to conclusions.
Kelaher and Houston both recommend some variation of: “Tell me more.” You can switch it up to be more specific, like “Tell me more about how you were feeling when X thing happened” or “Can you help me understand what Y experience brought up for you?” Whatever helps them expand on what they’re saying—and increases your own comprehension.
4. Don’t rehearse your replies while they’re talking
When someone you care about shares a problem or vulnerability, it’s natural to want to say the “right” thing. Not to mention, research shows that people tend to think faster than they talk, so it’s no wonder our thoughts pile up before our convo partner finishes speaking. But if you’re busy formulating your own response, you can’t actually pay attention to what they’re saying. “We spend too much time in our own heads instead of being present in the conversation, which is a core component of active listening,” Kelaher says.