Suman Sharma
Tahira Kashyap is not a bra-burning feminist. Her brand of soft feminism is something you can connect with. She believes in mutual respect and mutual growth amidst mutual harmony. She understands that due to familial concerns and motherhood duties, a woman’s career might take a backseat but she doesn’t believe in being a martyr to these realities. After a long gestation period, her labour of love, Sharmajee Ki Beti finally bore fruit and was released on OTT. Though Tahira would have been happier if it had a theatrical release. She narrates the genesis of her maiden effort as a director and also takes us through her life’s journey in this captivating interview. Excerpts:
What was it like when your film Sharmajee Ki Beti was shown for the first time at the MAMI Mumbai Film Festival and it garnered a lot of appreciation?
I was nervous at the MAMI film festival. When the film received a standing ovation, I was bewildered. The most beautiful part was that not only women but also men were appreciating it. Each character in the film has become a favourite of someone or the other, which is a win-win situation for me. Despite taking seven years to complete, the film still appears relevant and fresh. Unfortunately, the issues that were pertinent seven years ago remain relevant even today. So, as a society, how much have we truly progressed?
You wrote this film in 2017. Why did it take seven years to reach an audience?
The challenge lay in securing financial investment for this project. While the story was universally praised, there was always a caveat. “But there’s no hero in this film,” they said. Even if there is a heroine, she isn’t 20 or 21 years old. Suggestions came to cast an A-lister so the film could ride on their name. Many such temptations came our way. Then there was the task of securing studio backing, followed by a personal setback (being diagnosed with breast cancer). Just as the project gained momentum, the pandemic struck, depleting our budget over time as we retained the crew. Despite these hurdles, I completed the film in 32 days.
You must have faced numerous disappointments.
Sometimes, choosing one’s own path and refusing shortcuts is a matter of self-respect. I broke down many times during this journey, but I wiped away my tears and persisted. Through this experience, I learnt to find happiness even amidst crisis. Ultimately, I realised my vision for the film without succumbing to external pressures to cater to a specific audience or alter its essence. Tanuj Garg has been the backbone of this project and I have truly invested myself in it.
All the women in this film struggle with self-worth. Have you also faced similar challenges?
Certainly. After the film’s release, I received both positive and negative tweets, which made me doubt myself. However, I counselled myself and disregarded the negative comments, reminding myself that I had done a good job and had given it my all. Self-doubt isn’t exclusive to women; men experience it too, though they may be adept at concealing it. Women tend to be more vulnerable and open about their emotions. Yet vulnerability isn’t weakness; it’s a mode of expression. A fleeting moment in one’s day that doesn’t define me. If I experience a breakdown, it doesn’t define me; it’s simply a passing phase.
You often address inequality, whether through film, poetry or your opinions.
Indeed. I come from a progressive background; my father was a news editor and my mother was a vice principal. In our home, gender inequality was never discussed. When my mother went to work, my father would prepare me for school, meticulously oiling my hair and tying it into a ponytail. I grew up assuming all families functioned similarly. It was only when I visited friends’ homes that I realised not all men supported their wives. At the age of 13, I was incensed. Why wasn’t my mother at home, and why was my father handling household duties? It was then I realised I’m a feminist, though initially, my expectations were solely from my mother.
What’s your definition of feminism?
Equal love, respect and dignity for all genders, regardless of one’s sexual identity. Every human being deserves equal pay, rights, respect, and dignity. Often, feminism is made into a larger issue without recognising that it’s rooted in behaviour.
You relocated from Chandigarh to Mumbai with Ayushmann. Do you believe there’s loneliness in metropolitan cities?
When I first arrived in Mumbai, I found the city baffling. I immediately joined corporate PR. Later, I taught at National, Raheja, and Mithibai colleges. Initially residing in Malad, I observed that people in the neighbourhood were too busy to engage. Everyone seemed rushed, though I couldn’t fathom why. With my family absent and Ayushmann occupied with his shoots, I had to carve out a life for myself. Mumbai is relatively easy to inhabit because, unlike smaller towns, it lacks biases against women. There’s acceptance here. But the issue lies in people’s lack of concern for one another, fostering a sense of loneliness.
How much effort have you and Ayushmann put into achieving equality in your relationship?
Ayushmann hails from a patriarchal family devoid of sisters. Fortunately, we met in college, where he saw me as a student and during my theatre days. Given our shared interests, we frequently crossed paths. Having shared a bench, he understands that he isn’t entitled to more than me. We encourage open conversations at home, a luxury many couples lack. Women should never settle for less; they deserve equality. In fact, we deserve more… Absolutely. Biologically, I bear children. How can we equitably divide this process? Men don’t have to navigate pregnancy or hormonal fluctuations. They’re governed by testosterone, a constant throughout the month. Women endure numerous bodily changes, yet they must maintain a composed demeanour in professional settings to avoid losing opportunities. While I champion feminism, I recognise that complete equality is impractical. I believe I deserve more than what’s currently afforded.
How well does Ayushmann understand you as a woman?
Ayushmann has come a long way since college, particularly after we welcomed our daughter. Understanding the opposite gender requires continuous learning. I’m also striving to comprehend men— their complexes, insecurities, joys, and aspirations. Communication is key; both parties must converse openly.
What’s the secret to your successful marriage?
Every relationship encounters ups and downs, with its fair share of arguments. Effective communication and mutual respect are crucial. Love fluctuates but respect should never waver. When mutual respect diminishes, the relationship falters. Every individual deserves respect and dignity.
As a mother of a son, what message would you like him to grasp about his interactions with women?
Having a sister, my son knows how to behave well with women. I treat my children equally. Disparity shouldn’t exist. While he may not experience inequality at home, he may encounter it elsewhere. Patriarchy often stems from the belief that men inherently deserve more. Millennials must model equitable behaviour to shape the next generation. Once, my son Rajveer asked why Ayushmann’s career flourished while mine had only just begun. I could have been offended. But instead, I explained that my choices allowed him to exist and ask such questions. Life offers perspectives and he’s free to choose his own. I emphasised that homemakers too can achieve success.
What does success mean to you?
For me, success means balancing a career while raising happy, healthy children. Today, I’ve attained that goal. I can proudly say I’ve reached that milestone through dedication, perseverance and unwavering support from my loved ones.
Both you and Ayushmann are intellectuals and artistes. Do creative clashes often occur?
We do have our disagreements. But we respect each other’s choices and value personal space. Mutual respect enables us to explore our creativity without interference. Despite our occasional disagreements, we maintain a deep-seated respect for each other’s choices and cherish our individual personal space. This mutual respect serves as a cornerstone, allowing us the freedom to explore our creativity and pursue our passions without any sense of intrusion or hindrance. It fosters an environment where we can thrive independently yet come together harmoniously, appreciating each other’s unique perspectives and contributions.
Were you always this optimistic?
No, Buddhism transformed my outlook after I began chanting in November 2016. Two years later, I was diagnosed with cancer, which further reshaped my perspective. Challenges like cancer prompt personal growth.
What advice do you have for today’s women?
Believe in yourself and pursue personal development. Often, encouragement from others may be lacking, so become your own cheerleader and hustle for yourself.
What message do you wish to convey to husbands, boyfriends, brothers, sons and male bosses?
Respect and cherish the women in your lives. Encourage them. This is vital for men. Patriarchy is deeply rooted across generations and resides in our DNA memory. Everyone benefits when men support women’s empowerment.